Experience

I Seek Attention.

I Struggle.

I Apologize.

According to the little voice I’ve developed to coach me when I’m unsure how to act, apologies are unnecessary. Unproductive. Untrue.

If by apologizing, I intend to placate or pacify, then I am denying myself the opportunity to admit how the situation affects me. I am seeking attention from unhealthy situations and relationships.

Though each differs, there is a common concoction for those who unintentionally apologize, take responsibility for other people’s actions, love too much and lose themselves in others.

My recipe:

  • A seven-year marriage to a man who degraded my worth—both psychologically and literally—provides ample ingredients for this disastrous mix.
  • A rich cocktail of women who give too much, love too much and ignore themselves too much are the reigning matriarchs in my family.
  • An alcoholic brother who remained on the edge of sanity long enough to provide consistent bouts of attempted suicide, dangerous accidents and visits to jail until he ultimately succeeded in ending his own pain. (This has long kept the mixture of my recovery at a steady simmer.)
  • My young son, always ready to add the dash that will boil my attempts at self restraint and healthy love right over the edge. The desire to protect him, shield him, speak for him almost takes over at times.
  • A base of tendencies to please and seek attention and approval from men and authority figures.

To perfect my concoction, I must either separate myself from these life ingredients. I am oil; they are water. Or, I must work with all the elements in an attempt to find an alkaline solution—one that will not burn me and that I can stomach as part of a newly recovered me.

I seek Attention Anonymous.

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